Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
