so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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