wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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