Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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