Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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