Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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