So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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