we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
