This dress was meant to end up on your floor
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
