Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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