There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
