u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
