so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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