so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
