I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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