There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
