Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
