on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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