your room smells of hookers.
And success
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
