I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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