I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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