Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
