11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
