i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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