My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
