He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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