If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
