Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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