apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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