Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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