with your own penis?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
