I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
