I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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