new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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