so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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