dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
