My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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