I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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