i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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