Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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