Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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