I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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