Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
