don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
