Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
