The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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