I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
