She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
