Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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