My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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