She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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