so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
