WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
