On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
