My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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