Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
