i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
