Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
